First of all, thank you for reaching out and for caring enough about yourself to ask this question. Break ups can be painful, but they are also an opportunity to give yourself space to grow and decide what you want/need to move on to a next, more fulfilling relationship.
MRKH is a part of you, but it does not define you or your respective relationships. We understand that ending up in hospital because of an attempt at intercourse is traumatic. But you are not alone, you are not broken, and intimacy and pleasure is still inside you where it has always been! Please also know that tearing does not happen just to those with MRKH and because it happened once it does not mean it will happen again, although we completely understand that there is a fear and concern that it will next time you have penetrative sex.
Here are some tips for going on with life, surgery, and, most importantly, a nourished an intimate relationship with yourself and with a partner:
Physical and psychological release of trauma: Consider the fact that after a gazelle escapes a chase by a tiger, that gazelle’s reaction is to shake violently in order to release the trauma of being chased. We, too, are mammals and need to release our traumas to carry on living and flourishing. There are many ways to do this. From screaming into a pillow, crying, jumping around and dancing, practicing yoga, mindful meditation to going for a run and everything in between. Choose a process that works for you! The trick is to be mindful that you are releasing a tension from your body. Healing, relaxation, and self discovery is a process. So don’t rush or be hard on yourself. Dip your toe in and go at a pace that suits you.
Learning to understand and communicate your boundaries and desires: To feel confident in establishing a fulfilling and comfortable sexual relationship with yourself and future partners, start by acknowledging this: your sexual pleasure potential is full, radiant, and is not, in any way, lessened by your MRKH. Even without a fully formed vaginal canal, an MRKH vulva can feel pleasure and orgasm just the same as any other vulva can! Check out our friends Mind Over MRKH for some more tips on this topic.
Next step is exploration and communication. Explore your body as it is right now. Feel free to explore your hair, your mind, and even your vulva (even babies do this). Notice which parts of your body, or which types of thoughts, feel tingly and pleasant. When something does feel good, give yourself that gift of experiencing that pleasure. There’s no goal of filling a role or of reaching orgasm. Just notice what feels good.
Then, next time you are considering getting intimate with a partner you can communicate what you are ok with doing, what feels good to you, and what you are not ok with doing. Communicating your desires and boundaries, whilst also being attentive of your partners desires and boundaries, will create a safe space to for pleasure, intimacy, and connection to flourish. A great tip to also try during both intimacy with yourself and with your partner is the use of lubrication. Lubrication can help improve comfort and enhance sensation which can be especially beneficial after a tear where the area feels tighter and more sensitive.
Keep in mind that anyone who does not respond well to communication around boundaries and desires is not worth your time.
Do it for yourself: The most important thing regarding surgery or dilation therapy is to make sure you are doing it for yourself and not for someone else. It’s a big decision and it’s your decision. But, until you decide, keep exploring what feels good on your body. Then later, if you decide to lengthen your vaginal canal, you can continue exploring what feels good. You don’t have to wait for a surgery or dilation therapy to experience pleasure and feel sexy. You’ve got this!
You can find out more about making your own choices at What is MRKH or you can always have a chat with us and we can help signpost you to local resources that may be available in your region.