My earliest memories of being a child is just wanting to be a mother. I’d put a pillow up my top and pretend I was pregnant, I had an array of dolls and in particular a set of twins in a buggy that I loved dearly. I really wanted to be a veterinarian but being a mother to me was the most important plan I had for my future.

I have two sisters and we use to spend hours circling the toy catalogue of what toys we would get for our future children and of course we would have our children named, I wanted 2 boys and 2 girls.

I grew up in a family of 6 and the house was always buzzing, whether it was tears, tantrums or laughter it was never quiet and that’s what i wanted in my life.

I had such a wonderful childhood, we didn’t have much money but we had so much love and my two sisters were my best friends.

My early teenage years were great, I had a boyfriend that I actually fell in love with and lost my virginity to and was just like my peers except I hadn’t started my period.

I split up with my boyfriend and was heartbroken and then not long after that at 16 I found out I had MRKH.

My world came crashing down around me. How could life be so cruel to someone that wanted children so badly?!

My life changed that day.. I stopped going to church because I didn’t believe there was a god anymore, I skipped school, I started to drink a lot and had a lot of one night stands. I didn’t feel worthy to have a baby and I started to drown in a sea of depression.

I had been given the hope of surrogacy but I just felt that was so far out of my reach with finances and I didn’t even love myself so what man would love me?!

I was 21 when my depression hit its lowest and I figured my life wasn’t worth living if I couldn’t have the family I always dreamed of. I took a lot of sleeping pills washed down with alcohol.

Luckily for me my family got me to the hospital in time for me to be saved.

When I saw the pain on my families faces I promised I’d never put them through that again and maybe surrogacy wasn’t out of my reach if I worked hard for it.

I got with my ex when I was 23 and we started saving for surrogacy immediately, things happened really quick for us, we were engaged and living together within 6 weeks because I was determined not to waste time when we both knew what we wanted.

My sister agreed to be my surrogate but we had to work hard and sacrifice a lot to save up the money we needed and it caused a lot of arguments, stress and pressure on the relationship. By the time we saved up enough for the surrogacy and paid the hospital solicitors etc. my ex told me he didn’t want it anymore and ended the relationship after 7 years.

I fell back into depression as my dream was once again taken away from me, but this time I decided my demons were not going to win.

I decided to focus on the positive aspects of not having kids. I looked around me at the struggles some of my friends faced being single mums and realised how less stressed my life was. I could be selfish with my time, I could literally do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I realised I didn’t need to have children to have a good life, I put the thoughts of having a family on the back burner and just enjoyed life.

I met my now boyfriend 5 and a half years ago. I told him straight away that I couldn’t have children and it wasn’t an issue for him at all as he said he never really saw himself with children.

He did say he would save and do what we needed to do to give me the child I’ve always wanted but I realised it wasn’t what I wanted anymore, I just wanted to have the carefree life that I had grown to love.

I still have options at the moment, I have so many amazing women in my life that would carry our baby but my biological clock is ticking now at 37 so I have been advised to freeze  my eggs if I want to pursue surrogacy but I just don’t think children would fit into my life now. Myself and my boyfriend have a spoilt dog that acts like a child and I am a nanny so I spend my day with children having lots of fun, painting nails, doing hair, going to the zoo etc. All of the things I felt I’d miss out on by not having children.

It took a while but I’ve learnt that your life can be just as fulfilling whether you decide to have children or not and it’s something I wish I learned many years ago.

I never thought I’d say the words but I’m thankful for MRKH, I love my life and my little family even if my little man does have 4 paws 🐾 I have stresses just like everyone else but I have a much simpler life than my friends with kids.

And that life for me is perfect and turned out just the way it was supposed to.

There is a lot of pressure on women to have kids and it’s a taboo subject if you decide children are not right for you, some people question.. then what are you here for?! Or suggest you will regret it when “you’ll have nobody to look after you when you’re older”

These are not reasons why people should be having kids in the first place!

We are all on individual journeys and if some people think their purpose in life is to have children then good for them let them live their life like that and equally if someone can’t or decides not to have children, their purpose in life may be different but it’s just as important.