What would it be like to go into our own heads and rummage around in our memories, removing those bits we don’t like or wish had never happened? Removing those feelings we don’t want to handle like fear and anxiety. Replacing things with something nicer that makes us smile more.
We all have things that bother us and life would be so much simpler if we could remove those thoughts, memories or parts of our mind that made us feel bad.
But the key to our minds is not of course a key like we know it. We are the key.
Only we can find a way through the challenges that we face or the struggles we have or indeed how we hold on to and cherish those wonderful memories that we have and those positive emotions and feelings.
Our mental health is complex and everyone is different. There is no ‘one solution’, no catch all. No fixed timeline.
I’ve talked about this many times and whilst not wishing to repeat myself this is not just something you can write about once and forget it. It just doesn’t work like that.
Sometimes we can’t explain why we feel the way we do. Why we reacted the way we did and for so many of us its unlikely that we will often show our real true feelings to anyone else than ourselves.
It has struck me recently how many people have come out to highlight their own challenges with mental health and how it made them feel. Yet it is still something we are perhaps ashamed of or at the very least made to feel ashamed of. This is wrong.
No one should be ashamed of just being human.
It doesn’t matter how big or small the issue is, how many times you go to therapy (or not) or how many times you find yourself crying on your best mates shoulder or trying to work out why you couldn’t cry except to yourself. It all affects us in so many different ways.
For me I went through stages of grief and anger and not really knowing what it meant or what I was meant to feel, which scared me all the more. Processing something that has come from left field, totally unexpectedly is not a simple process.
Dealing with that at the same time as trying to figure out being a teenager, then two of your friends die in separate car crashes and it all seems like the world is against you. I knew it was bad when because of all the stuff in my head I was trying to process I used to hide alcohol in my wardrobe just to give me something to feel or forget. Until my mum found it and called it out for not being the way to handle things, which of course it wasn’t.
This is not a woe is me post at all but more to highlight that we have no idea whats really going on with people and how they are (or not) dealing with it.
Throughout the last 15 years or so I have gone through several cycles of psychologist therapy. I’ve felt embarrassed to tell people I am going in many of those cases. Why? Well, because we are made to feel as a society that this is not something we do.
I believe this has changed a lot in the last 20 years but we still have many steps to go, including making sure there is more support available for people who need it when they need it. There are many ways that we could all be more considerate to each other in understanding that something that is invisible is no less important or has any less powerful impact on us personally. The worst outcome of which can be completely tragic and avoidable.
But to know how to find your way sometimes we can’t always do it alone. We almost always need some help. I am not saying everyone should go and see a therapist as that isn’t for everyone but finding something that works for you, to help you get your head straight, and brings you some peace, is important.
I don’t see a therapist at the moment and maybe I won’t need to again. I have fully accepted MRKH and what that means. I feel strong and my total attitude has changed in a positive way. I can’t even really explain how, in a way its like some realisation dawned, some light switch turned on, or maybe I have just become more accepting over time. What I do know is that sometimes going through a whole heap of shit whatever that may be makes you at some point step back and look at yourself. Do you like what you see?
If you don’t then thats the first step to making a change and being that strong person that you really are even if your fear would have you think otherwise.
But if I needed to go again I would. Those sessions have really helped me get through some pretty dark times and find some things that work for me in managing what can feel like my hectic and often overly complex mind.
I learnt that you have to grieve for the loss of something you would never have (at least in the way you expected) before you could come to terms with what that meant for you and how you, and only you, can find that way to accept the condition and find a path forward.
I speak to so many girls (and their parents) who have just been diagnosed with MRKH and are struggling to find their way and what this means. They are shell shocked. That time feels the loneliest and the scariest for so many and understandably so. Whilst for others reality doesn’t hit them until later.
I just remember after being told I just couldn’t wait to get out of that hospital and go home. I didn’t process it for a while really I don’t think. Looking back its all a bit of a blur to be honest.
Nowadays there is a lot of support out there, so many blogs and support groups and information but in some cases its not always easy to find and varies so much in different regions across the world. But speaking to others who also have or are going through the same thing you are, where you can share your story or even just listen, goes a long way to lighten the load.
Mental health is real.
It doesn’t mean you are crazy.
You shouldn’t feel ashamed that you need help or that you can’t manage.
You are your own head key but sometimes you just need a little help so the key doesn’t get stuck.