It all began when I was 16, young & naive,
No periods, but what did this mean? The questions in my head began..
At 19 I was diagnosed with MRKH.
‘Sorry, you don’t have a Womb & you have an Absent Vagina’
How was I feeling to hear those dreaded words?
‘I felt empty, who am I, what is my purpose here in life?’ & the negative thoughts started..
I had a bit of hope, ‘i can freeze my eggs till I find a partner’ & I started the process of IVF.
Feeling overwhelmed, too much to handle & was studying at the same time.. I stopped IVF & couldn’t continue.
Was this the end for me? Yes it was & Religion meant Surrogacy was not an option that was allowed in Islam.
Years went by.. ‘I wish I had the support, someone to talk to, who would understand my pain’
But living in a small Town, there was none.
At 25 with the help of parents, we started looking for a partner for Marriage.
‘What is that? Why should I get married? When in our culture it was all about getting married & having kids’..
‘Is that all that Life is about?’
The struggles of finding a partner was tough, ‘how do you know he’s the one?, how do I tell him I can’t have children?’ The negative thoughts, putting myself down, thinking ‘I’m not good enough for anyone’
Few years later, one of my dreams came true..
‘Someone wanted me for who I was & not what I couldn’t be, A Mum’
I was the happiest I could be, ‘is this really happening or am I dreaming’ 6 months later, I was married.
But my life troubles didn’t stop there! I had to create a hole to have intercourse which officially took 1 year & I started using dilators.
You may be thinking ‘why did I not start this sooner?’ Well I had practised over the years, but didn’t take it seriously as in my mind I could be single forever.
Click fast forward a year in to the marriage & the questions from the Asian community began..
‘Are you not Pregnant yet? Do you not want kids?’
Little did they know how hurtful these comments were to me, it would make me sad, upset, ‘here we go, this is all I will keep hearing’
Family members who knew would say ‘ you can always adopt’, were they trying to make me or themselves feel better? Because the comments were not helping.. and I’d always dreamed of a mini me.
But why can’t people be happy for you, & accept that this is who I am? Life doesn’t have to end because you can’t have kids.
In fact life begins when you start to accept that..
“This is brave, This is bruised, this is who I’m meant to be, this is me” – The Greatest Showman